keto diet – the good, the bad, the cheesy

so i recently started the keto diet, and i’m here to tell you that HOLY SHIT it’s amazing.

summary for lazy readers: keto means no carbs, black coffee is gross, i eat a lot of cheese, keto leaves me feeling happy and not deprived, water is crucial, don’t try eating out, stamp of approval

if you don’t know already from the major hype, netflix documentary, pinterest recipe overload or just from your weird friend Melody who tries every diet under the sun, the keto diet is practically no/low-carbs. in other words, you eat less than 20g of carbs per day with the idea that your body begins to burn fat as fuel instead of carbs, resulting in major weight loss.

yes, there’s more to it. no, i don’t know more. i read the words “fast weight loss” and stopped reading there. apparently you actually are supposed to like count other macros and do all these ratios and stuff but frankly cutting carbs requires enough thought as it is that i just quit on the other crap. which seems to be working.

here’s a day in the life of my keto diet – mind you, i am also intermittent fasting because i’m crazy and can’t just be healthy and love my body, i have to torture it like some sick masochist seeking a thrill. in other words, i only eat from noon til 8pm in order for my body to process foods differently. more on that another time.

first things first, i drink my coffee black. i drink it in my teal blue yeti because i am basic, and its the cheap keurig stuff that’s like off-brand starbucks. so yes, it does taste like ass, thanks for asking. but nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, amiright?

after drinking my coffee as slowly as humanly possible, i break into snack time around 12. now mind you, i have had about a half gallon of water at this point because lemon water is supposedly unreal for digestion and helping with weight loss. i do my big 32 oz bottle with extra *extra* ice because warm water is for serial killers and squeeze some lemon juice in. i would love to say i use fresh lemons, but i don’t. this is mostly because they are so hit and miss sometimes and i don’t want weird water.

snack time usually consists of strawberries (no more than 7, cause each strawberry actually is 1 CARB WHICH IS RUDE, SCIENCE) and a babybel cheese, just the regular kind. i like to eat mine kinda warm so usually i will hold it in my hand still wrapped in the wax while i eat my strawberries, then i can enjoy it warm. yes it’s odd, but it’s not harming you so lay off.

then i work out. lately i have been doing 20 minutes on the stairstepper and 20 minutes on the treadmill. i try to do this with as little food in my belly as possible because i read a headline once that said fasted cardio was good for you, so here i am. but since i don’t workout until 1/2p, i usually have to have my snack first.

okay, so now it’s time for lunch and i actually thought this was going to be harder, but it’s not been bad at all. cutting out carbs is hard and does require some initial thought, but i have already gotten the hang of some pretty simple things. so for instance, i like to have fish or chicken and veggies for lunch, with my third 32oz water. i do use a lot of salt as some of you may know, so i’m sure that’s holding me back but that’s a risk we’re just gonna have to take. i like lemon salmon or tuna – tuna you can actually eat without pissing off your coworkers cause you don’t have to heat it up. a half can of tuna with mayonnaise has 0 carbs so in other words, its healthy. i like to do that with some green beans (1/2 cup max) or broccoli. at this point in the day, i’ve likely consumed about 10g of carbs overall.

afternoon snack, more cheese. that’s the best part of this diet. it doesn’t feel like a diet. sure, i can’t have bread or chips or pasta or garlic mashed potatoes but who needs any of those amazing and delicious things anyway?! i do, but i’m learning to be okay without them because i actually don’t feel deprived on this diet. i think for me it’s less difficult with only one food or food group being ‘banned’, so i can still enjoy so many other things, like cheese.

but damn cheese is good. i would recommend cheese on everything if you’re going keto, because it actually is supposedly part of the diet. score. i guess you’re supposed to eat a pretty solid amount of fats, and cheese can get you there. if i were doing breakfast, my ideal day would probably start with some sort of very cheesy egg scramble topped with extra cheese. anyway.

for dinner i usually do something similar to my lunch, although i’ve tried keto lettuce wraps, keto chicken asparagus casserole, and keto chicken salad. there’s actually tons to choose from and make without feeling limited. by this time its almost 8p, so i’m finished eating anyway and have only consumed about 15g of carbs all day.

the only hard part for me so far has been eating out. it’s impossible, truly. “can’t you just order a salad” no helen, i can’t, and even if i could i wouldn’t eat a freaking salad, i’m not a rabbit. unfortunately for those of you who do enjoy salad, they’re usually a no-no too, since dressings are packed with sugars ie carbs. i guess you could do a salad with olive oil or something but then you’re really just rabbit status and i don’t know if that’s a life worth living for me. if i do go out, i always cheat. that’s the big takeaway here – this diet is soooo doable if your meals are planned. hell, it’s even doable with intermittent fasting AND cutting out alcohol (mostly) which you guys know is a huge win for me. but if you don’t plan your meals out, you’ll end up at on the border ordering guacamole live as your main dish and eating your weight in fried, salty, heavenly chips that you later cry about in the girls bathroom. don’t do it to yourself. if your friends don’t love you while you give yourself a little self care, fuck em.

parting thoughts – i have lost 5 pounds in the last 8 or so days, and i feel amazing. i feel way less bloated, my energy feels great, and i feel hyper focused. now mind you, there are a lot of moving parts to these things (i’ve started meditation, i’m finally writing again, i’m working out pretty regularly) but i do think the keto helps, a lot. i’ll keep doing it and keep keeping you updated.

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