‘be single while you’re still young’
‘take time to learn who you really are before you fall in love’
fuck. all. that. advice.
summary for lazy readers: being single is not cool. it’s not freeing. in fact, it’s the least freeing thing i’ve ever done. it’s unstable, it’s boring, it’s sexless, and frankly it’s not worth trying. don’t recommend.
first and foremost, i’m not dating, i’m barely even trying, let’s be honest. i’m a pretty passive dater. i refuse to date a coworker or use a dating app to meet someone, and don’t go out where sexy humans spend their time. even when i do, i stand in the corner with my active bitch face telling the world not to even try to talk to me. i can imagine my abf is pretty bad considering no one ever does approach, and my rbf is pretty scary as it is.
even if i was tindering, idk what i’m supposed to do. i’ve never gone on a blind date or met up with someone i hadn’t sufficiently stalked online first. how do you start the conversation in person when you’ve already flirted a little over messenger? how do you ask about them as a person without asking about exes and their weird relationship with their mom and the age they were when they first watched porn? i don’t know – i’m too forward to figure out that fine line i guess. with me, it’s pretty all or nothing.
but let’s say god is smiling on me and fucking blesses me from above with a hot guy that approaches me at a bar or meets me through a friend. *thank you, jesus* what is this poor guy supposed to do, come back to my place? fall in love with me over a dinner that my dad cooks us? propose in the living room so my incessantly nosy parents can be involved? living at home lacks all romance.
being single and living at home – now that’s the most depressing thing i’ve ever done. nothing like trying to flirt with someone over text while your dad is screaming about the game in the nearby living room. talk about plain creepy.
honestly though, the hardest part for me is my pickiness. be cute, wealthy, slightly older, significantly taller, light eyes, dark hair, obsessed with me, gentlemanly, get along with my family, spoil the shit out of me. that’s all i ask. i think it’s relatively simple yet apparently it is not. add to it the fact that i am a serial monogamist, relationship hopper, girlfriend extraordinaire. no guy wants to commit from day one, but i love to bag ’em early. hello, my name’s hannah, i’m already in love with you and we’re officially exclusive now, k? come meet my parents and tell me how in love with me you are.
it’s hard because as a female with a history of long and super-serious relationships, i think guys can see that red flag waving from afar. it must be a twinkle in my eye they spot from the minute we meet. and how do you overcome that as a girl who, sure, only ever has experience in that, but who is willing to try out the whole casual dating thing?
let’s be honest, i don’t need a boyfriend, i need a sugar daddy. or two. three preferred. i need someone who wants to take me out, show me off, spoil me, and treat me like a princess. those guys do not exist unless they’re the creepy foreigners dming you to be their mail-order wife. no thanks, block.
guys these days, or maybe just guys i’m around, just want to sit around and relax. i’ve relaxed for the last 24 years of my life, that’s all you do in stable relationships. i’ve watched the office on netflix 749 times because that’s just what you do when you’re wifed up. not complaining, but just saying i can watch the office on my own time now, thank you – it’s your job as the new love interest to woo me. where’s this guy at?
taking a moment to self-reflect, i think a lot of my struggles boil down to my weird need to be courted. i don’t want to meet you on tinder because that requires me taking an action and putting myself out there. i don’t want to be welcoming at the bar because i’m sorry but if one more weirdo approaches me i’m going to throw a punch. i don’t want to be living at home anymore because – you know what, that one’s self-explanatory. but here i am finding no love falling into my lap and wondering what i should do next.
for the pros, being single has helped me focus on my health, losing weight and getting skinny. that’s because it’s pretty unattractive to feel like you have to suck in during sex in every single position. it’s helped me finally launch my blog and grow my instagram, because i’m pretty fucking bored every day and have nothing better to do than talk to and take pictures of myself. it’s helped encourage me to save more so i can move out soon, through my resentment of living at home for free where all my food is prepared and water is always hot and my dog is loved. you know, it’s the little things.
moral of the story is, looks like i am about to be single forever with this lazy mindset. in 30 years you’ll find me still living at home, still not using apps, still not being courted – still. single.
but you know what, all boys suck. so, c’est la vie. at least i have kali to cuddle me at night.